So, maybe I am cracking up just a little bit. I just reread that blog and I'm sort of sorry that I posted it. I'm not sorry that I wrote it, but it was pretty harsh to put out there. Things are not as bad as I want to think. I'm just a pessimist. I've been a pessimist all my life I think. At least most of my adult life.
We put the tree up on Friday evening. What a shock to me. I wrote that blog and then arrived home to my hubby, kids and mother-in-law putting the tree up. I was obviously in a bad mood. But I escaped to my room, had a few quiet moments and then went to help with my happy face on. Well, then the lights do what they always do and the twinkling brought me around. I can't be unhappy around Christmas lights. Damn them. So, things are better today. Let's hope they stay that way.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
2010 can KISS MY ASS
When I was little, I did little kid things without even thinking about their consequences beyond how far I could go without getting a spanking. Even as I aged towards adulthood, there was little thought to the future. I did what I wanted, when I wanted. I thought I was living the American Dream. Turns out, I was just being a foolish kid and I've been receiving a year long spanking this year for my conduct. When I think of all the money that I've squandered away over the past 20 years, it makes me sick. I could do so much with that money now. So much good.
It's possible that I'm cracking up. I don't think so though. I actually think I feel more in control of things than I have for a very long time. Besides school loans, I am totally debt free. I didn't ask to be this way. I don't think I got there the right way or the easy way or the honorable way. But I'm there.
But I'm not in the position to take full advantage of that knowledge right now. Right now, I'm sitting here sucking it up and trying not to cry because once again, we've had to ask for help. She's always willing. But I'm so tired of asking. It's so ... hurtful? What does it hurt? My pride. Her bank account. That's about it. I guess I should just be thankful there is someone that can help. But I guess its the pride thing mostly. I hate what I'm going through.
But, this like everything else, I will shore up my defenses and get through. I'm the strong one, right?
It's possible that I'm cracking up. I don't think so though. I actually think I feel more in control of things than I have for a very long time. Besides school loans, I am totally debt free. I didn't ask to be this way. I don't think I got there the right way or the easy way or the honorable way. But I'm there.
But I'm not in the position to take full advantage of that knowledge right now. Right now, I'm sitting here sucking it up and trying not to cry because once again, we've had to ask for help. She's always willing. But I'm so tired of asking. It's so ... hurtful? What does it hurt? My pride. Her bank account. That's about it. I guess I should just be thankful there is someone that can help. But I guess its the pride thing mostly. I hate what I'm going through.
But, this like everything else, I will shore up my defenses and get through. I'm the strong one, right?
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